Into the packets, out the WiFi, through the router, past the home firewall, through the cable modem, up to the head end, onto the fibers, down the whole traceroute to you and you and you, round the world and back again ... nothing but Net.
You know, half of the people in the world are below average.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all n— ervous and give the wrong answers. — _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it— -and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910)
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. — Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. — Oscar Wilde
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. — Heraclitas
These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it. — Charles Barkley
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. — Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" — Quentin Crisp
Confucius say too much. — Recent Chinese proverb
A Freudian strip is when you.... oops!
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_
Don't hate yourself in the morning — sleep 'till noon.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy
Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. — Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. — D. E. Knuth, 1967
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." — Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. — Salvador Dali
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. — Sigmund Freud
At New York's JFK airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, log tables, & a calculator. At a press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with transporting weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, & sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with co-ordinates in every country. They test the limits. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle.' "
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. — Clive Barker, "Jihad"
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. — Voltaire
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. — P.J. O'Rourke
No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. — John Steinbeck
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.
— The Facts of Life —
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Work expands to fill the time available. — C. Northcote Parkinson
"Start simple, be clear, end soon. Otherwise, listen." — James C. Ackerly
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Life without geometry is also pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
The two worms were fighting in dead Earnest.
She was only the optician's daughter -- two glasses and she made a spectacle of herself.
She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her.